2B or not 2B...

To Be or Not To Be ...

...involved in controversy, that is. Our Sunday School and learning center was embroiled in some controversy recently and my missus feels that we (meaning my family and I) should or rather shouldn't be involved in the controversy.

What pray tell is the controversy, you ask? Well, it started when a new center for the local Buddhist community was planned for nearby and the then-ex-co of my kids' Sunday school-n-center was asked to assist in fund-raising.

SO...where's the controversy? The controversy is whether the present center (a separate entity from the new center) should continue to exist along side the new one or not. I don't see any problems other than the potential financial strain on the local community for funds.

I am sure that with proper planning and infusing our thoughts n actions with Compassion, we can raise funds without taxing the community. For example, the two centers can share the funds thus collected between them.

SO...where again is the controversy? It lies in the actions of the people. Some were in favor of closing the old (and an entirely different entity) and moving into the new. Why move? Better facilities, better environment, better prospects. Huh? Come again? Better prospects?

Ok...SO...besides better prospects (for whoever or whatever), where again is the controversy? It lies in the approach of the people. Things were rather calm and collected when the “move” was being discussed (without the knowledge of the parent body of the “old” center, why? I'm not privy to know. I suppose it's a need to know basis; I don't need to know and parent body also doesn't need to know...whatever you say,bro!)

Then all Samsara broke loose when the parent body found out about the decision to close down n move (finally someone there learned to read their emails!) and gave instructions to keep the center open. Well and fine, so this means someone need to stay back to run things. It seems everyone involved with the move had expected a care-taker committee from the parent body to runs things but NO! The principal of the Sunday School decided to stay back and so did the Chairman of the center!...Good Heavens! That is just not on! Something must be done!

Something indeed was done. A massive lobbying effort the likes of the Ijok by-election was carried out, causing much confusion where none was need. Once-peaceful families were torn asunder by the 'ultimatum' decision of to stay or not to stay with the old center! I heard that personal attacks were even brought out as part of the “arsenal”. Maybe they wanted it to become an “arse-on-a-nail” experience for someone.

Here lies the controversy...can families be apart one day a week and still remain a family? A resounding YES, of course!!! After all, families are being forced apart by choice daily at least 5 days of the week! The kids go to school, the parents to the office. BUT we're together at the end of the day. Most Saturdays are together-days for many families so being apart for the spiritual well-being of the family on Sundays shouldn't be an issue at all. But no! Mums & kids MUST follow dad or dads MUST follow mums & kids. Some kids say their friends are there so they MUST go.

Can't mums & dads take turns attending the kids? Doesn't mums n dads have the freedom to decide where they want to be this week or the next? Why must everyone be at one place and one place only and not 'either...or'? I heard some mums decided 'neither...nor' since they can't have 'either...or'.

I wonder why parents haven't taught their kids self-reliance, thinking for themselves and not to 'follow the crowd'. Maybe they did and maybe the kids thought it'd be cool to hang out with friends and “Dharma-shmarma! Hang the teachers! I've got my friends here n we're going to gossip to our hearts' content!”

Being a member of one center does not exact such dedication that one will attend activities in another center only upon-threat-of-death! This 'dedication', if I can use the term, is frivolous especially in the light that many involved in the 'Move' decision had spent many hours and much energy n effort in establishing the 'old' center.

By being so strongly for the closure of the 'old' center really begs this question: what's so greatly prized at the new center that the efforts and recognition of so many contributors in building and growing the old center is to be cast aside so easily?

Why wasn't the lack (which was mentioned as reason for the move) at the old place acted upon in the past when it became known? Was knowledge of the lack swept under some proverbial carpet?

Why the very strong reaction against the decision by some to stay? Why the intense lobbying? Why the intense hob-nobbing? Why indeed!

As a rather active (then)non-member, I was perplexed by this and still am. Which is why I decided to be more active in the decision-making process. I cannot stand idly by and see my children's only doorway to the Buddha-Dhamma slammed shut by the decisions of a few made (apparently) for the many. This was and is the only place that offers focused activities-based Dhamma education and I have seen what activity-based education can do.

I have experienced focused Dhamma education and training. It was literally an eye-opener. My Dharma “eye” opened a crack, enough for me to see past cultural influences and see the Dhamma underneath the various schools of Buddhism. It open enough for me to experience some minor mental calm arising from focused meditation. Book knowledge was transformed into personal experience.

These personal transformations changed my life and perspective enough for me to walk a different path from my brother and my parents' plans for my children.

I would like...no, want... others to be able to experience these transformations themselves; especially the children. The first school-going kids I met at a Buddhist center were so much different from the ones at the present Sunday school. Those kids had great self-discipline. The whole family took part in meditation retreats during school breaks. They are normal, regular kids keen on centering themselves but NOT spoilt, self-centered brats.

Chewing gum and SMS-ing during Puja and lessons? How self-centered can you get? If the kids are like this, how are the parents? These ore the future Buddhist community leaders? We are going to be in deep poo-doo if nothing is done to rehabilitate these children!

YES, that's right! Rehabilitate! Coz if they don't have the self-restraint to stop SMS-ing, chit-chat, chewing gum or even put their mobiles into silent mode during puja, lessons or talks/discussions, there's no stopping them! They are, in the future, going to repeat History again.

I ask again – why the intense effort to close the 'old' center? Why the intense lobbying? If there IS something of great prize there? IS it there for the community or is it personal? What IS there for the children? I know there are lots of rooms and facilities. Will the children be pushed aside for the adults? Can it be guaranteed that the children will not be cast aside for the adults?

Best of luck to the teachers and principal of the new center! The doors are always open, you only need to decide whether to step through or not.

Sukhi Hontu!

Kevin – 21 May 2007 - KL

ps. this is definitely worth more than two cents; at least one teh-tarik worth!

Our Role as A Parent, Adult and Educator Revisited

14 May 2007

Since my last blog on this topic, I had been "drafted" to be a teacher to said Sunday School. Well, I survived the first year and am now going into my 2nd. Upon reflection, in all my Sunday school experience I have never, ever met such a group of students.

Angels they are not! Some of them were the most indisciplined, disrespectful kids I have ever come across. To top it all off, their parents are not some lowly paid, unschooled, blue collared workers but are on the other end of the spectrum! Grads with BAs, MAs and what-have-yous. Highly educated leaders or at least respected members of the Buddhist community!

These kids lie down n point their feet to the main shrine, chit-chat or SMS on the mobile, chew gum during Puja. In class, they hold separate conversations with their nearby friends while the teacher is attempting to impart instructions for the session's activities.

Why, then are their children so badly behaved? One reason comes to mind (well, in truth several but more on them later), spare the rod, spoil the child! These are not kids with learning disabilities, they are regular normal kids who have taken up one of the most disciplined art - Wu Shu. Any Master worth his/her salt would tell you the strict regimented training they had to go thru in order to learn the art from their Master/s.

So what happened to the discipline? Lost in translation? Perhaps. Lost because there were no master/pupil contract? Probable. One thing is very clear to me, Wu-Shu will NOT put discipline in the kids as they are only exposed to the teacher/master for a few hours a week. Of course, if the child is under going long-term tutelage and the teacher is a master of the art, then he/she will demand the utmost discipline from the student in question.

So, who then should instill discipline into the children? The teachers at school, tuition and the Sunday classes? The day-care? The kakaks at home? The grand-parents? The parents?

For the modern, small, urban family, the responsibility lies squarely and firmly on the shoulders of the parents! Having an extended family helps but most times, grandparents tend to spoil the grandkids silly especially if the lucky kids happens to be the only grandson or child!

In the Sigalovada sutta (i think), the Buddha instructs on how to bring up a child e.g the first 7 years of life is spent under the care of the mother, the next 7 under the care of the father, the 7 years after that under tutelage of a teacher/spiritual master and so on. Basic instructions on how to run a business can also be found here i.e. how much to save or to spend on who.

My first experience as an adult interacting with primary school kids in a Dharma class was very different. The kids were very disciplined and respectful. They know they were there to learn and learn they did. They even went on meditation retreats with the college-going kids and adults! BTW, most of the said parents were the college-going kids then. So what happened to the respect and discipline the then-college students learnt? Why weren't these taught to their kids? Only the parents can answer that...if they are willing to look within for the answer and publicly admit the responsibility.

An update, I'm about to be "drafted" into the ex-co of the Center. Damn! I seem to keeping getting 'drafted' left and right, I'm surprised SM Lee hasn't 'drafted' me into PAP! Then again, he's looking for grads only and I'm not a grad. Luckily for me, Tun Dr. M doesn't know where I live though he (n missus) knows my parents personally, otherwise I'd be "drafted" into some party function or something (wonder why I've never been 'drafted' to a 'rave' party 8-(?)

FYI, the most of the unruly, disrespectful kids' parents were primarily ex-co members and a few teachers. Anyway, the kids were beyond 7 years old and probably too old to straighten out without breaking something. As the Malay saying goes "kalau melentur aur, biarlah waktu rebung".

Well, here lies the end of my shortest blog thus far. I shall continue to update you all on my "NS" experience in the ex-co as Life continues to unfold.


KevinL - KL, malaysia

Of Hearts and Minds – 25 Aug 2005 [updated 14 May 2007]

Just found out recently that a relative of mine had joined an MLM company allegedly to be around for more than 100 years. We (my missus and I) had been introduced to this product some time in the past by an old friend of hers.

I tell you the encounter was unpleasant not because of the products but because of the friend’s support group. Do you realize that these “people” cannot accept ‘No’ for an answer?

When you hesitate or begin to disagree with them, they’ll gang-up on you and pretty darn near verbally beat you to death for saying ‘No’. They’ll use fear on you. Fear of losing out, fear of being labeled a “loser”, of having a closed mind. ‘Kia-su’ would be an apt description of how they’ll try to make you feel.

I’ve such an encounter before…but not at the receiving end though…at the giving end. When I left my IT job in the early 2000s, I joined a “Direct Marketing” company in PJ.

Now these people would go to great lengths to point out the minute differences between Direct Selling (DS) and Direct Marketing (DM). Sounds the same to me coz the techniques are the same. Make a list; DS wants a list of your friends, relatives and close contacts while DM makes a list of prospective strangers or locations where the chances of closing a sale is highest, next highest and so on.

Then you make the cold calls, sales pitch n if that fails to make a sale, you use fear. The fear of losing out to the Jones. You know? Like what you see on the telly and papers and hear on the radio. It’s in their training.

One thing that’s really different about DM is that in order to meet your target, make sure nothing and I mean NOTHING stands in your way; be it a lowly security guard or a high security area. If the building rules require you register with the front desk, they’ll try to find an alternate way of entering…through the car park entrance, pretend to use the toilet, whatever. Made me really uncomfortable.

I was not brought up to bend or break rules like that. I firmly believe that there are only two ways of doing something, the right way and the wrong way. My conscience just wouldn’t let me forget it. I just had to leave even though I’d made pretty good figures everyday in the two weeks I was in.

Now back to my young relative…

Reading his email reply to my comments posted on the family’s unofficial email forum, I get the impression that I’d somehow insulted his decision to join and had placed him on the defensive.

His explanation was not something I’d expect from a Direct Selling person. He quoted that company’s long history and how the product has aesthetic value that appreciates over time, etc. Most telling was that money was not a factor in his decision. The ‘Doubting Thomas’ in me said “yeah, right! And Uncle Lim and brood up the hill are willing to donate 50% of their daily income to Pure Life Society and the Montfort Boys Home!”.

It was really easy for me to dismiss his decision. But I reminded myself that my experience is uniquely mine and his will never ever be the same. He has every right to believe in whatever he wants and I have no right to say otherwise. Reading the reply a second time still didn’t lower the protests from “Thomas” but I gave him my support in his decision… I hope it come across as that in the email. Not being able to read the subtle nuances of human communications along with the body language makes it very hard to read between the lines and feel the sincerity (or the lack thereof) of the speaker.

Anyway, what I have noticed in my many encounters with MLM-ers is that if they firmly believe in the products and company, they can go very far and build very strong businesses. I mentioned in my reply to his reply that sometimes the mind tends to rationalize the decision that was made out of fear when the heart said ‘No’ but fear of losing said ‘Yes’.

In the course of my ‘research’ on self-improvement and self-healing, I had found much has been said of the human body expresses any conflicts from a mismatch between the body/mind and soul/heart as pain, stress or even disease (minor or major) such as cold sores, sore throats, migraines, coughs and colds, etc. Some alternative healing methods are even able to identify the 'causes' of these physical sufferings.

Authors such as Deepak Chopra and Mark Victor Hansen get lots of sales of their books because of this mismatch. Countless websites have sprung up in attempts to address or resolve it. One such website is run by Gary Craig who calls his form of healing as EFT (www.emotfree.com). Lots of testimonials. I’ve had limited success using it. I get the feeling that I’ll get better results if I’d purchased the full VCD/DVD/Video training series.

I have a friend who used to be in the corporate world but now she’s a Healer in Reiki (www.reiki.org), crystals, Shiatsu and maybe a few more including Regression Therapy. All of these sounds like mumbo-jumbo but her personal experience on successful treatments say otherwise. The human mind is so complex that after all these years of success and countless theories by noted psychologists (ole’ Sigmund F among them) still haven’t been able to make any progress in expanding our understanding and our treatment of mind-related illnesses. ADHD, ADD, etc. have been linked to chemical imbalance of the brain.

But do you realize that when the mind and heart agrees on a decision, it is life changing? Look at Gandhi, Mother Teresa and Nelson Mandela. These great people not only changed their own lives but also have affected the rest of the world! Nearer home, have you ever noticed how a child behaves when he/she has decided on something?

My eldest, Jon, is so keen on getting his own Gameboy that all we have to do now is to threaten to remove this treat to get him to behave. Good thing too as I’m getting worried about him getting immune to threats of physical punishments. I made him a promise; behave himself for 6 months (I track him on a calendar, a cross if he’s been naughty n a checkmark if he’s been behaving) and I’ll get him a Gameboy by end of December.

At one point, he wanted so much to play on a Gameboy, he was willing to eat his most dreaded enemy, veggies! Just one little bite was enough to make him puke. He was willing to eat one whole spoonful in order to be able to go to my friend’s house and play with his daughter’s Gameboy.

To date (14 May 07), he still haven’t “earned” the Gameboy or Playstation yet. His revulsion for veges seems stronger than his need for video games.

Well, I’m focusing on helping him control his distracted mind, making use of the opportunity to control mine as well. Am using simple meditation as the tool. Also getting him involved in a Dharma School on Sundays.

In the meantime, Life goes on….

Kevin – KL, Malaysia 14 May 2007